Real Men Real(ly) Exists?

When i was 9 years old, i watched as my father fell to the ground one night in the middle of fixing the chandeliers that hanged above the living room.

I then watched him hobble to our car, get behind the steering wheel. and drive himself to the hospital.

Ok, you have read this. Yep, his calf was no longer attached to his heel but he drove himself to the hospital. Indeed, he's a tough guy. That's why he ever said this: "Crying shows weaknesses," he would tell my brother and me when we were growing up. And then, just to make sure his message was clear, he'd add, "Real men don't cry."

Men are expected to be braver, stronger, and more powerful than women, which explains how, on the other hand, my father could raise me to be independent, educated, and ambitious, but on the other hand remain stubbornly fixated on the idea that the guys i dated should be, well, macho men.

In my dad's fantasy world, we would each bring home a son-in-law who could wrestle him with his bare hands and then stitch u any wounds he had inflicted. (fyi: my dad is a great karate kiddo)

And in the actual world, he and my mom hoped for men who would make more money then we did and who would be offended if we tried to pick up the dinner check.

"Adek, you need to let a man to be a man,"

So, i spent years dating several men who fancied themselves macho. In fact, what they had in common was their desire to be the boss. Well i'm a Leo. This sign is popularly known as an awesome individual one.

 In senior high school, i dated a guy who tried to dictate which friends i could hang out with. What this experience taught me, unequivocally is that if anyone was going to control over my life, it was going to be me and me alone.

In fact, some guys that ever filled this heart are almost the exact opposite of what my father told me my partner should be. So, what does my dad think of the relationship?

And if I'm going to be honest, i don't know that i would end up with whom? I don't know and still don't know.

In this moment, i still hear my dad's voice in my head. "You need to be with a real man, dek."


-AJ-


p.s: "Rest in peace, dad. i wrote this because i do miss you much and i have just remembering all wisdom you gave to me. Thanks for everything. Love, adek.