Until recently honestly, i had always been drawn to creative types: writers, artists, copywriters, musicians, etc. Or let's put it in another simple way, "guys who didn't make much money, such as doctors, CEO's, accountants, lawyers, etc. "
I wasn't trying to be noble. Men with concrete evidence to base this on. I honestly felt more comfortable with boys whose closets were full of simple T-shirts, shorts, and few shirts., who would spend weekends collaborating with me on creative projects. When we ate out, we'd go for Dutch or another comfort food. Or if i was making much money, I'd pick up the bill. And that was part of the allure, this feeling that i was doing so well that i could take care of a guy if i wanted to.
Then one night at one well-known coffee shop in Jakarta, a man that i'd met just for couple times (in addition, i had no idea about his last name) offered to buy me a drink. He was so good looking with kind of Zara Man white fitted shirt, a black Massimo Duti's trouser in a nice cutting, and cigarettes. He might as well have had a rupiah sign floating above his head. He was also super-intense, a little crazy eyed, and didn't make me laugh. Yet, when he asked me for dinner, i found myself strangely unable to say no.
We met for dinner in a fancy restaurant filled with well dresses, well groomed, upwardly mobile diners. I don't remember our conversation. Seriously. However, something felt different. Without the strain of having to worry about the cost of dinner (a constants concern in my previous relationships), everything felt ... lighter. As he quickly put his credit card into the leather holder, i had an awakening. I realized that i didn't feel a slightest bit of guilt or the need to offer or insist on paying for my half.
The truth is, there's a conflict in my mind that most of my female friends and i feel about being to expected to -and truly wanting to- succeed at work without having to rely on a man, but when it comes to dating, we're supposed to regress into princesses.
This kinda hard to admit because am the way too independent, a bit - so little bit- feminist, "gak enakan", and i value my career. But there's a small part of me that also wants to be taken care of, to be treated like a princess.
My cousin is married to a very rich guy. But at one day, i kept thinking about this: Having dinner paid for is one thing; marrying for money is something else entirely. And again, I'm not being noble. I just don't think i'd be able to pull it off.
-AJ-
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