Me-trealistic?

Until recently honestly, i had always been drawn to creative types: writers, artists, copywriters, musicians, etc. Or let's put it in another simple way, "guys who didn't make much money, such as doctors, CEO's, accountants, lawyers, etc. "

I wasn't trying to be noble. Men with concrete evidence to base this on. I honestly felt more comfortable with boys whose closets were full of simple T-shirts, shorts, and few shirts., who would spend weekends collaborating with me on creative projects. When we ate out, we'd go for Dutch or another comfort food. Or if i was making much money, I'd pick up the bill. And that was part of the allure, this feeling that i was doing so well that i could take care of a guy if i wanted to.

Then one night at one well-known coffee shop in Jakarta, a man that i'd met just for couple times (in addition, i had no idea about his last name) offered to buy me a drink. He was so good looking with kind of Zara Man white fitted shirt, a black Massimo Duti's trouser in a nice cutting, and cigarettes. He might as well have had a rupiah sign floating above his head. He was also super-intense, a little crazy eyed, and didn't make me laugh. Yet, when he asked me for dinner, i found myself strangely unable to say no.

We met for dinner in a fancy restaurant filled with well dresses, well groomed, upwardly mobile diners. I don't remember our conversation. Seriously. However, something felt different. Without the strain of having to worry about the cost of dinner (a constants concern in my previous relationships), everything felt ... lighter. As he quickly put his credit card into the leather holder, i had an awakening. I realized that i didn't feel a slightest bit of guilt or the need to offer or insist on paying for my half.

The truth is, there's a conflict in my mind that most of my female friends and i feel about being to expected to -and truly wanting to-  succeed at work without having to rely on a man, but when it comes to dating, we're supposed to regress into princesses.

This kinda hard to admit because am the way too independent, a bit - so little bit- feminist, "gak enakan", and i value my career. But there's a small part of me that also wants to be taken care of, to be treated like a princess.

My cousin is married to a very rich guy. But at one day,  i kept thinking about this: Having dinner paid for is one thing; marrying for money is something else entirely. And again, I'm not being noble. I just don't think i'd be able to pull it off.

-AJ-

Real Men Real(ly) Exists?

When i was 9 years old, i watched as my father fell to the ground one night in the middle of fixing the chandeliers that hanged above the living room.

I then watched him hobble to our car, get behind the steering wheel. and drive himself to the hospital.

Ok, you have read this. Yep, his calf was no longer attached to his heel but he drove himself to the hospital. Indeed, he's a tough guy. That's why he ever said this: "Crying shows weaknesses," he would tell my brother and me when we were growing up. And then, just to make sure his message was clear, he'd add, "Real men don't cry."

Men are expected to be braver, stronger, and more powerful than women, which explains how, on the other hand, my father could raise me to be independent, educated, and ambitious, but on the other hand remain stubbornly fixated on the idea that the guys i dated should be, well, macho men.

In my dad's fantasy world, we would each bring home a son-in-law who could wrestle him with his bare hands and then stitch u any wounds he had inflicted. (fyi: my dad is a great karate kiddo)

And in the actual world, he and my mom hoped for men who would make more money then we did and who would be offended if we tried to pick up the dinner check.

"Adek, you need to let a man to be a man,"

So, i spent years dating several men who fancied themselves macho. In fact, what they had in common was their desire to be the boss. Well i'm a Leo. This sign is popularly known as an awesome individual one.

 In senior high school, i dated a guy who tried to dictate which friends i could hang out with. What this experience taught me, unequivocally is that if anyone was going to control over my life, it was going to be me and me alone.

In fact, some guys that ever filled this heart are almost the exact opposite of what my father told me my partner should be. So, what does my dad think of the relationship?

And if I'm going to be honest, i don't know that i would end up with whom? I don't know and still don't know.

In this moment, i still hear my dad's voice in my head. "You need to be with a real man, dek."


-AJ-


p.s: "Rest in peace, dad. i wrote this because i do miss you much and i have just remembering all wisdom you gave to me. Thanks for everything. Love, adek.

Hello

Hellooooooo..

I'm trying to get back to this (a thing that i called as my e-diary). Well, i don't wanna treat this as a truly diary. I also have some at home in an exactly form. a book or journal to be filled with daily stories.

My previous blog is already 'Innalillahi'. That was being hijacked by someone. And that bad creature made some awful case.

I am currently  writing for a magazine. A lifestyle magazine for A+ men that has licensed from Hearst Magazine, United States. I usually write serious matters, and i think i need to have another pages to tell about. So, here i am...

Ciao,
AJ